The Potato rants about “Waterworld”


Dryland's a myth! Or is it...? (It's not. Spoiler alert.)

A trip down junior high memory lane has led me to do another Twice Baked Potatoes quickie review. This time I’m watching “Waterworld” starring Mr. Kevin Costner as the lead role, also known as The Mariner. The Mariner is along the lines of Mel Gibson’s Mad Max, although Costner plays him as a Dazed, Creepily Quiet Max. There are other actors in the film, but none of them matter whatsoever. Not even the little girl. Sorry. She’s little more than a plot device. The only other performance worth noting is Dennis Hopper as the villain. Hopper was enjoying his mid-90’s Renaissance, where he was more or less doing variations on his performances in “Speed” and “True Romance”. Walleyed heroism versus wily psychosis. Great. Casting. All. Around. Extra special shoutout to awesome that-guy actor Kim Coates as the coolest pseudo-Irish, would-be rapist pirate this side of The Atoll.

To the film’s credit, every cent of the $180 Million price tag shows up on screen. Yet for all that money, would it have killed the production designer to splash on some more colors other than various shades of fecal brown and rust red? Every single room looks like a serial killer’s cleanup shack after it’s been wiped down for evidence. Costner’s sleepwalker acting choices actually fit the film in that respect: Expensive, intentional, and completely boring.

The action, thankfully, is the best part. The setpieces are large and dynamic, chock full of explosions, goop, and blood. More goop than blood. I also appreciate that there are a lot of sets and practical effects. Today, adjusted for quality, this film would have been a CGI cheapfest and most likely have been a SyFy channel clunker starring Lorenzo Lamas. The film also doesn’t waste time with logic. It challenges you to accept the world it’s presenting, and there are so many questions that could be asked, but why bother? It’s an B-action flick masquerading as a summer sci-fi epic. I can forgive the illogics, but where did they get all of the bullets? What about the airplane? Airplane fuel? These things take real science, not just welding torches. I’m just saying.

If this flick is on during late night, it’s not a bad way to spend the hours between 2am and 4am. I just hope that the sequel is called “Desertworld”. You think I’m crazy? They’ll make a sequel to anything. Anything. Just give it 10 more years. 15 tops.


2 Responses

  1. “Today, adjusted for quality, this film would have been a CGI cheapfest and most likely have been a SyFy channel clunker starring Lorenzo Lamas.”

    I laughed out loud in the coffee shop!!!

    Costner needs to stick with Westerns. Sci-fi is a little too deep for him.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: